Boundaries Can Hurt Other People... and That’s OK

Boundaries can sometimes look like upsetting or disappointing other people.

Putting our own needs first may result in someone not getting what they need from us.

And this can hurt.

Disappointing others goes against societal conditioning. We are raised to be people pleasers which is why we feel so much guilt and resistance to set boundaries in our relationships.

But we can’t give what we don’t want or don’t have to give. This causes resentment, blaming, complaining- this makes victims and martyrs out of us.

When we say “yes”, and then get annoyed at someone for “making” us do something, that’s unfair not only to ourselves but to them.

Making and holding boundaries is an uncomfortable experience.

But what it shows us who can and can’t respect our boundaries. And we can choose to observe this without judgement and with acceptance and understanding. We respect where we’re both at and that we’re both doing our best in that moment with the communication skills we currently have.

Most significantly, setting healthy boundaries builds a trusting relationship with ourselves.

If we can’t look after ourselves, listen to and support our own needs, there is no ability to be there for others.

Our culture of burn out, numbing, loneliness, codependence, avoidance and anxious attachments is what unhealthy boundaries can lead to. We need to heal this culture with self- care.

Delivering boundaries compassionately and honestly is important.

Speaking our truth without getting defensive, angry or critical takes practice. We can also practice gentle kindness to ourselves as we learn and grow in these conversations.

It’s especially hard at the outset of placing new boundaries. People may think that we’re changing for the worst, but in fact we are changing for the better. Healthy boundaries enable healthy relationships.

By respecting our own needs, we respect others needs too. We give them permission to do the same for themselves.

Remembering when we meet someone’s boundary- to listen, pause and respect their view and reality, even if it’s different from our reality.

There is space to hold both.

I don’t believe in compromise anymore. It’s my belief that agreements can be made.

Where two people take responsibility to create and live in the way that’s most authentic to them, instead of relying on someone to meet our needs for us, which is co-dependency.

We’re also mindful of setting unhealthy boundaries from a place of fear, spite or defiance- we should do it from a place of respect for ourselves and others.

Sometimes an agreement can’t be made and two people might need space or to go their separate ways and that’s OK.

It’s important to have some breathing room, for each person to reflect on what they need and to make a decision to move forward from a place of integrity.

And to those who can live in harmony alongside us, who are in a place to understand and appreciate our boundaries, we should express gratitude for these relationships every day.

The thing is, others might not be able to give us what we want or need, but there is someone else who can. And it’s up to us to find that match.

Or even better, to find what we need from within ourselves and to gift this to ourselves.

Do you find it hard to set boundaries in your relationships?

Creating Space is a 3-month mentoring journey, where we’ll explore how to set loving and respectful boundaries for yourself and others to create clear communication and safety in your relationships.