Words Left Unsaid
I’m about to tell you a story that I’d much rather keep to myself. But over my life I’ve learnt, the stories that want to stay secret, are the ones most important to share.
I’ll write this simply, avoiding my tendency to over-explain out of fear of being misunderstood. I’ll practise vulnerable sharing, regardless of how this story may be received.
I stayed at my parent’s house last week for some dedicated song writing work. In bed on the first night, I was doing a writing exercise from Seeking Wisdom, the new book from creative leader Julia Cameron. I was to write a letter to the benevolent “God” of my understanding- aka the universe, life, love, energy- to not let semantics get in the way. Then I was to write a letter back to myself from this God.
Until recently, an adamant atheist, this would have triggered me and I would have closed the book immediately. But the more I’ve explored the mysteries of creativity, the more I’ve come to accept that I’m connecting with something greater in my work and life. A simple walk in nature is enough to remind me of this greater creator. So in the stillness of the night, I wrote to this higher power and in the letter back, I heard and wrote- “Your Gran has a message for you. Tell your mum that she loves her”. I didn’t think much of it and went to sleep.
“The more I’ve explored the mysteries of creativity, the more I’ve come to accept that I’m connecting with something greater in my work and life.”
The next morning, I began my song writing and came up with a chord progression, but was stuck on the lyrics. A poem had effortlessly flowed out of me that morning about the message from Gran, but I felt a hesitation to use it. After another hour of struggle, I collected the folded page from my bedside drawer. It fit perfectly, but as I worked on the melody, I noticed resistance rising through my body.
I looked up at the photo of Gran on the piano lid. “Ok Gran, you help me write this song then. It’s for you, anyway”. I felt tingles and a rush of emotion and added, “I’m sorry I didn’t sing at your funeral. I couldn’t. I would have fallen apart”. I was holding back tears and felt the familiar strain in my throat when I suppress the need to cry. It grew stronger and more painful, like my vocal cords were clenched and in spasm.
“I knew this was not just my pain, it was my grandma’s too.”
Taking deep breaths through my mouth, I walked around the house helplessly with my hand on my throat, whimpering in pain. I knew this was not just my pain, it was my grandma’s too. I pictured her on the chair in Empire Bay, and how she had numbed herself. How she wasn’t able to express the most important words a mother can give. I also acknowledged how I’d suppressed my own voice over the years.
Throughout the day I delayed telling my mum what had happened, thinking it was too weird or silly. I asked for guidance and it came, “Trust yourself- speak from your heart.” Finally, I sat with mum to share what had happened and showed her the poem. She cried and told me that only last week she’d asked her mother, “Did you love me?” And so, Gran had answered through me, with the words that had been left unsaid.
The exercise from Julia Cameron’s Seeking Wisdom:
Take an hour and spend it in silence. For the first thirty minutes, you will write a letter to the benevolent god of your understanding. Allow yourself to talk about anything and everything. This is, remember, a helpful and listening god, whose dreams for you are even bigger than your dreams for yourself.
For the second thirty minutes, write a letter to yourself from your god. Allow yourself to listen and receive. Keep moving your hand across the page and let this force talk to you. I have found this exercise to be encouraging, hopeful and emotional.
Allow yourself to reflect on what you’ve learned. Did your Higher Power make suggestions that you could incorporate into your life? This practise is a good one to turn to whenever you are feeling in need of guidance. As you practise talking to- and listening to- a supportive God, you will find talking to God naturally becomes a more frequent and automatic part of your life.
Do you hold back from expressing yourself vulnerably?
Creating Space is a 3-month mentoring journey, where we’ll explore what you need to feel fulfilled and inspired in your life and how to sustainably meet those needs.
With gentle guidance and nurturing support, you’ll vulnerably connect to your unique voice and practise authentic expression.