Learning to Receive
“Gracious acceptance is an art – an art which most never bother to cultivate. We think that we have to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting things, which can be much harder than giving…. Accepting another person’s gift is allowing them to express their feelings for you.”
- Alexander McCall Smith
I’ve recently noticed how receiving with gratitude can be a lot more challenging than giving. There can be a lot of guilt tied up in receiving; we don’t want to appear selfish or spoilt. There’s a need for it to be reciprocal, tit for tat, to keep things fair. We don’t want to feel indebted to someone, that an IOU will be hovering over our heads.
But what if the person giving doesn’t expect us to reciprocate? What if receiving their offer with gratitude was the gift back? We all know how good it feels to give. So why do we deny others the joy of giving?
Let’s say someone offers to pay for dinner. I was always the person fighting that decision. Grabbing the bill from them, yelling ‘no!’, or when they insisted, telling them I’d get them back next time. It only dawned on me a few years ago, that maybe they wanted to shout me dinner. Maybe it gave them a great satisfaction in doing that, and I was rejecting their gift with my arguments.
It’d be like someone giving you a birthday present and handing it straight back saying ‘you shouldn’t have, I can’t accept this’. And how uncomfortable it’s been at Christmas, when someone has given me a present and I don’t have one in return. I’ve been so focused on my embarrassment, that I’ve forgotten to really show them my happiness and appreciation.
What about giving and receiving in non material forms? We can also find it difficult to accept things like attention, love and support. Shrinking away from intimacy, compliments and affection, or saying no to someone’s offer to help.
At the bottom of this, there are some sneaky limited beliefs hiding out. For me- I’ve often felt that people only offer to be polite, and that they’re hoping I’ll say no. That they’d prefer to receive from me, than to give to me. Or I’ve worried that their gift will be used against me later in a- ‘I did this for you!’
It’s still very much a practise, but today I take people for their word. I trust them to communicate what they’re willing to give, taking into account their own needs. Instead of questioning them, I receive with thanks and express my pleasure. I also take responsibility to only offer what I am happy and willing to give. I no longer give from a feeling of obligation or to fill someone’s silent (and often imaginary) expectation.
Focusing on how I give and receive to myself has been the most important part of this practise. We often look externally for our needs to be met, when usually we have everything we need to give to ourselves, but just can’t receive it. When we’re sick or tired, why don’t we give ourselves a day off? When we’re craving connection, why do we turn to work or the TV, instead of reaching out to a friend? When we’re needing more fun and play in our lives, what stops us from making the time?
Life can only give us as much as we’re ready to receive.
Are you burnt out from helping?
Creating Space is an invitation to slow down and step back from our relentless urgency culture. To learn how to receive from life, rather than feeling the pressure to ‘do’ all of the time.
This 3-month 1:1 mentoring journey is a supportive space for you to observe the limited beliefs that contribute to overwhelm and burn out. With this awareness you can better align with your needs and desires to make choices that leave you feeling energised and fulfilled.