Savour
I had an abstract thought this morning whilst journaling.
What if I’ve already lived my life and done everything I’ve always wanted to do. What if all my dreams did come true.
And what if I had died, and been sent back to live it all over again. Because the first time, I’d rushed through.
In my initial existence, I felt trapped. I wanted to expand past the physical realm my body held me in, to be in all places at once. Always impatient to experience what was still to come.
And when I died and was disembodied, all sensuality disappeared and I saw what I had squandered. In death, I could still orchestrate a life, but not feel it anymore. I was detached, like playing a video game. So, I’d been sent back to live my life again, so I could truly savour what I’d taken for granted.
Later in the morning, as I showered and craving crept in, I told myself I’d experienced that thing already. Why long for something already lived? In doing this I stayed stuck in a dream space that separated me from reality.
Suddenly, the subtlety of my surroundings was amplified. The flurry of birdsong out the window, the steam hovering above me, the beautiful olive-green bottle in my hand. The intense beauty of the present moment, holding me, suspending me in time.
I certainly recognised this clarity, and realised that maybe the longing was a roundabout attempt to find this exact place. A beauty that was already here, always accessible. But how do I stay here? Out of the mind and in my body. It’s a practise. Life is simply a practise.
At the beginning of each new year, I decide on a word, an intention, to carry with me. My choice for 2023 is savour.
To savour the moment and not get tempted by visions in my mind. These are just future memories, transparent and lacking the vivid sensuality of the now. Possibilities of what lies ahead, but maybe this time around, I will allow life to surprise me.
I savour pushing a fork through a mango square, enjoying the sweetness on my tongue. The click of the ceiling fan as it slices through the humidity. The gentle touch of the ocean on my skin, softening my tension. The fragrance of sweet summer flowers on my daily walk through neighbourhood streets. My mind transports me to far off places and I gently bring it back.
This presence I once experienced only in the stillness and spaciousness of holidays and designated time off, is now available to me every day. No longer feeling trapped in time and commitments, or in a future I feel obligated to pursue.
But instead, floating down the river, carried by a current I don’t fully understand. A current that washes away the clinging and craving, replaced by a peace that comes from living in my simplest and purest physical form.
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